Changes

Everything in life changes. Some changes are good, some are not. Some changes are wanted and some are unwanted. Regardless changes happen. They hurt, they make you feel good, they even sometimes mark a turning point in life. Change is most often hard even it is wanted and rarely easy.

I have had more then my fair changes in the last few years; nervous breakdown, engagement, changing jobs, death, family tragedies. I am in the mist of another change right now. I learned over the weekend why I do some of the things I do. In the past I have turned to alcohol and social settings, even if I knew no one there, to fight against what I fear most. I now know why Sunday’s that I take Branson home are so hard. What do I fear most? Being alone. Not alone for a day but for life.

Each year I have made good progress in fixing the damage done by the breakdown. Even recently I have made some progress. But as that part of my life gets better I become more isolated. I have fewer friends now then I ever have had. Though I am closer to my parents now then ever I see them less now then ever, just phone calls. I long for social interaction. I guess that is why I go to Barnes so much, at least I am around people.

Here comes the weekend.

It is just a few more hours until the weekend starts. I am really looking forward to this weekend. First of all I get Branson this weekend, which by itself makes it a good weekend. Saturday we will be going to the lake to go skiing, tubing and just being lazy. Sunday we will be going to Russellville to go to the mountain bike race. I am not sure if we will race or not but we are taking our bikes just in case we decide to. Monday is just going to be a day of relaxing and recovery. The only thing I have planned for Monday is to wash and detail my car. I am still planning on getting rid of it and getting a new car shortly.

Busy Busy

Today has been so busy. I have been slammed at work today. I am still playing catch up from taking off last Thursday and Friday plus I have a lot of stuff to come in today. At least I have been productive and getting a lot of things done. I over slept this morning and could not get up to go jog this morning. I stayed up too late last night. Lori called and wanted to talk so we talked until Ashley got home which was around 11:30. She kept me up for another hour or so before I finally feel asleep. Before Ashley got home I had had a pretty good evening. After work I met Wendy for a couple of drinks at Vino’s. Later that evening I hung out with Michelle and got to met her friend Lexi. It was a nice evening. Tonight I don’t know what is up. I don’t know if Michelle will call since we have not seen much of each other lately and Lori had mentioned something about getting together. We shall see.

This weekend is also up in the air. I will have Branson so that is going to be awesome. Lori wants us to come spend the weekend over at the lake for Memorial Day but that will be just too much sun for Branson and myself not to mention the evenings with that group of people maybe a little too much for a 9 year old to see. Erik emailed me and asked if I was going to the mountain bike race Sunday. He said they were driving up Sat and camping out if I wanted to come along. I will probably go but I do not know if I will race Sunday or just watch or if I will camp or not. I know it is only Tuesday so there is still plenty of time to decide.

No More Drips

The facet has been turned off. I feel so much better then I did this morning. I just needed to vent and get some things off of my chest and put things in perspective. What a relief now all is right with the world again, of course the day is young still. HA! I guess I had to look for bad in things since life has been going so well as of late. If there is no bad then there can not be any good either. You must endure bad times to appreciate the good times.

Life is grand and right now I am going to see what I can cut out of my life in order to get a WRX. I am getting the bug again for fast cars. I don’t want to wait until December. I may have to but don’t want to. The WRX is a very practical choice. First it is rated by Consumer Guide and Consumer’s Choice as a top 10 buy and the both recommend it. It is four door with decent trunk space and has all wheel drive for safety. So it is a very intelligent choice not to mention pretty damn fast. I have missed having a car that I babied and took car of. I have not had a car I truly liked since my Supra. Lets just hope I am not waiting a few months to buy it.

Sanity

This post is going to be a lot of ramblings, forgive me. Right now I feel like that Peerless kitchen facet. It is all nice and shinny on the outside, polished until you can see your reflection in it. It is bright and flawless to the naked eye, but if you look just hard enough and long enough you will see something…(drip) . There is a flaw. You just do not notice the flaws if you just look at the facet. The bright finish on the outside is just a decorative cover to hide the internal workings. With me it seems to be with each drop that escapes the facet, a little of my sanity escapes also. Drip by drip, not much each drip but over time it takes a toll.

That bad thing about all of this is I don’t know why I am losing my sanity. It is not just one thing that I can put my finger on and fix. My life has been going pretty well as of late. It is summer, I am enjoying riding my bike, I have a wonderful new friend that I care very much for in Michelle, I am getting a bonus at work, etc. So much is going so well, why now am I starting to feel this way? One thing I am know I am starting to feel anxious or even worthless about is my status in life. I am 33, I should be buying my house not leasing. I have slowing feeling pretty worthless, like a body taking up space with now real contribution to society. Should society dictate my sense of worth by the amount of material things I can accumulate? What are my priorities? I have a list of goals on my bedroom and office wall but I feel like I am just walking through life one day at a time.

Legs of Lead

My night ride last night did not go as well as I had expected. It was as if I had a parachute on the back of my bike to keep from going a faster pace or towing a trailer of lead. My legs were just shot. I have more power then most anyone in my riding group but my endurance is not what most of the riders have. After about 15 to 20 miles in the ride I usually start having trouble keeping up. (Hopefully this will change in the next month). Last night, about 2 miles into the ride the trouble began and never subsided. I don’t know if was because I did not warm up before the ride, which I normally do, or because I have not been jogging lately. Whatever the reason, I hope it is better tonight out at camp because Wednesday’s ride is faster then Tuesday’s, or at least seems to be since it is completely on trails.

I have also been tasked to come up with 5 things that my friends do that I do not understand why or not into. This is more difficult then it seems since your friends tend to have similar interests as you do, that is one reason you are friends. Right now I can only think of two things. Hopefully I can think of more over this week.

Tonight is the big night…Star Wars III Revenge of the Sith. I am so ready. Michelle and I are going to the 12:30 am showing at the Rave. This movie is going to be bitter sweet. It should be a really good movie and the only SW movie not to obtain a PG rating. This one is rated PG-13. Also it is the final movie of the series and it is the first one that I have not seen at the UA 150. I wish they would have reopened the UA 150 for just this movie. I know this would not have been feasible but it would have nice to have seen it there. The Rave is nice but it is not the same as the old “dome theater”.

Legs of Lead

My night ride last night did not go as well as I had expected. It was as if I had a parachute on the back of my bike to keep from going a faster pace or towing a trailer of lead. My legs were just shot. I have more power then most anyone in my riding group but my endurance is not what most of the riders have. After about 15 to 20 miles in the ride I usually start having trouble keeping up. (Hopefully this will change in the next month). Last night, about 2 miles into the ride the trouble began and never subsided. I don’t know if was because I did not warm up before the ride, which I normally do, or because I have not been jogging lately. Whatever the reason, I hope it is better tonight out at camp because Wednesday’s ride is faster then Tuesday’s, or at least seems to be since it is completely on trails.

I have also been tasked to come up with 5 things that my friends do that I do not understand why or not into. This is more difficult then it seems since your friends tend to have similar interests as you do, that is one reason you are friends. Right now I can only think of two things. Hopefully I can think of more over this week.

Tonight is the big night…Star Wars III Revenge of the Sith. I am so ready. Michelle and I are going to the 12:30 am showing at the Rave. This movie is going to be bitter sweet. It should be a really good movie and the only SW movie not to obtain a PG rating. This one is rated PG-13. Also it is the final movie of the series and it is the first one that I have not seen at the UA 150. I wish they would have reopened the UA 150 for just this movie. I know this would not have been feasible but it would have nice to have seen it there. The Rave is nice but it is not the same as the old “dome theater”.

New Beginnings

Today is the first day of the rest of my life…

This morning I am doing better. Yesterday evening I had a mild battle with depression. It is funny, or sad depending on point of view, how easy it can start. I started to cut the yard and the wheel came off the lawn mower, which seemed to open the flood gate to all things that have been weighing on my feeble mind. I went for a cruise to try to clear my mind which did not help. I ended up at Sufficient Grounds for about an hour and put some thoughts down on paper. This helped enormously. I left SG and went home and rested for a little bit before going to Barnes to meet up with Michelle and Sydney. By the time I left there I was happy once again and all things were right with the world.

I am still curious and worried about some issues that have taken hold as of late, one being lack of motivation. I will work on some these issues today and maybe post something on this later today or tomorrow.

Old Bikes

Branson and I drove all over LR looking for an antique bike and a bmx bike for Branson. We found 1 antique bike for sell but it was they were asking too much for it. After taking Branson home on Sunday I went up to sufficient to grab a bite to eat. I drive up and there are these two wonderfully old bikes out front. One was exactly what I was looking for. I start walking up to sufficient and I see a young couple sitting inside next to the window staring at the bikes. When I walk I go to them and ask if they own the bikes. They replied they did not but thought they were cool bikes. I proceeded to tell them of my search on Saturday. Their reply floored me. They told me they had one that they would give me. It was in the basement of their house when the moved in. I drove over there about an hour later to pick it up. It is not exactly what I wanted but it was a neat bike so I went ahead and took it. So this weekend I got two old bikes to add to my collection. I will begin restoring them this weekend. It should be a fun project. One of the bikes is a Western Flyer bike called the Galaxy Flyer. I will add some pics to this of the bike.

Fun

What a weekend. As usual it was busy but I did better on spending less money. Branson and I had a good weekend. Friday was pizza, the car show at the river market and Barnes and Nobel. Saturday my parents drove up and took us to Ozark Mountain Smokehouse for breakfast. It was good to see them. It has been a while since they have seen Branson. Saturday afternoon was pretty low key. We watched Star Wars 2 in preparation of the release of Episode 3 and drove around looking for bikes. We ended the day at Sufficient Grounds hanging out and eating with Michelle. Sunday started off with a bang. Branson and I woke up and were out the door before 9 heading to Camp Robinson to do some mountain bike riding. Branson had ridden some trails before but I knew this would be pretty tough for him. We take off riding and I try to stick to the easier trials and Branson is doing really well. A couple of times the hills would be a little too tough or the rocks would be a little too daunting, but he always tried to go as far as he could before stopping and walking the bike. He finally had a pretty good spill but took it all in stride. He dusted off, picked up his bike and got back on it. I was really proud of him. We finally after about an hour and half we started to head back out of the woods. It was about 30 minute ride back to the car. We were on a fairly easy trail and moving pretty good when we had to cross a bridge. This bridge was just a bunch of 2x4’s nailed together. There were about 2 inches between planks on the bridge. I stopped and was watching how Branson handled the obstacle. He did not hit the bridge with a good approach and went head first sliding across the bridge. He let out an awful scream so I took off running to him. I was fearful that he might have broken a finger or an arm. I get to him and get him on his feet. He was crying so I asked him where it hurt. He pointed to his stomach. At this point I tell him to stop crying that is not going to make it feel any better and Walla he quits crying. I lifted up his shirt and he was scrapped up pretty bad. He caught the edge of one of the planks and it just dug into his skin as he slid across it. We picked up his bike and walked it across the bridge. He got back on the bike and we took off again. He has a blast riding the trails and I must say he did a really good job, I was really proud.
Sunday afternoon we spent it at the house playing games and resting before I had to take him home. I ended up going to Sufficient for dinner and I got another bike out of going. I will tell that story later today. Michelle came over later last night and we laughed and wrestled and had a good time while The Incredibles was on. It really helped me get pass the sadness that usually accompanies taking Branson home.

Friday the 13th

It is Friday again and I am so thankful for the weekend. I have Branson this weekend so I know it will be a good weekend. My goal is not to spend so much money this weekend. When I have Branson we just go and go and go some more and spend and spend.

I don’t really know what to expect this weekend. I don’t have a lot of stuff planned and it is suppose to rain tomorrow. I am sure we will go bike riding and play Frisbee on Sunday and go look for bikes for him this Saturday since it will be raining. I also pick up my cruiser bike this weekend! I am sure I will have to work on it a little but that is part of the fun anyway.

The last couple of days have been pretty lazy. I have gone to Barnes and I have read and slept and got my shopping done. I should have already cut the yard but I hope I can get that done tomorrow morning before the rain.

Intense Day #2

Yesterday was yet another good day. They just keep coming and for that I am so very thankful. Work was normal but I did go to the doctor for a complete check up. Everything looked good. I had some tests done and the results of those will not be in until Thursday or Friday but there is no reason those should come back anything but perfect.

I did my night time group ride last night. It was the perfect urban mtn bike adventure but what a work out. There were 15 to 20 of us. We left Hillcrest at 6 and cut through the back streets until getting to Popatop Liquor. From there we went to Boyle Park and rode all of the trails in the park. At this point the sun was starting to fall so we headed back to Hillcrest via Kanis Park, Sears, St. Vinceint’s, Markham and Van Buren. It was one tough loop but what a blast. I used all 27 gears on my bike.

After getting cleaned up I ventured out to Barnes and Nobel and had a mocha and did some reading before being joined by Michelle when getting off her second job. It is so nice to be able to have someone to chat with about any topic. It could be trivial or in depth but it is always pleasant. Jason joined us for a little while. They ultimately had to chase us off the patio.

Today’s training is suppose to be at Camp Robinson. I don’t know if I have the strength to do that. I guess you will find out tomorrow if I did it or not.

Intense Week Ahead

Yesterday began an intense training week on the bike. Yesterday was supposed to be just a semi tough ride. I was not supposed to be completely exhausted when returning home. I did not even run this morning due to the ride yesterday. The ride started out normally enough. It was such a nice afternoon so I after returning home from a difficult day at work (ha) I change and get the bike out and take off. I left the house and crossed Kavanugh and go down through Alsop Park, across Cantrell to Riverfront drive. On Riverfront I ride a pretty good pace, but not full steam, all the way to the I-430 bridge. There I turn around and head back. On the way back I team up with 3 road bikers. Road bike are faster then the mtn bike I was riding due to the weight of the bike, seating position being more aerodynamic, and the size of the tires. I purposely not draft off of them just to make it more difficult and see if I could keep up. The two ladies in the front were working well together. They would swap out leaders every couple of miles. I was able to keep up until Riverfront where they started pulling away. I was very pleased with the pace I was able to keep. The third rider went straight on Riverfront when the two ladies turned going to Cantrell. I caught back up to them due to the railroad bridge and the red light at Cantrell. We were all going back up to Hillcrest and cut back through Alsop Park and up the killer hill. What was interesting one of the ladies recognized me from last summer’s Children’s Triathlon. Branson competed in that event and it was his first event to take part in. We talked about how wonderful the event is and about the upcoming one in August. When I got back to the house I was so exhausted I just stood there. I stood in one place probably ten minutes because I was too tired and tight to move.

I had a busy night after that also. After cleaning up I did every piece of dirty laundry I had including the sheets. Hopefully tonight I will get my desk organized and pack up the clothes that I have not worn in over a year to give to charity. The night ended nicely also. Michelle came over and we ate pizza and talked. It was a perfect ending to a good day.

One for the books

This weekend turned out to both wonderful and mentally taxing. I spent quite a bit of time with her highness, The Queen, I went biking at Camp Robinson, took several naps, drank a lot of coffee, laughed, relaxed, hung out with friends, dreamed, lost ATM cards, was both bad and good, read, and maybe even solved a problem of the world’s or two. It was a weekend that shall not be forgotten.

Things I would like to work more on are my writings and my photography.

This upcoming week looks promising. Decent weather for most of the week and Branson this weekend not to mention Pay Day! I have to start planning ahead and really work on my running since my night time adventure race is coming up. Also I am going to have to buy another bike this month. I already have 4 bikes at my house, Branson’s mountain bike, my two mountain bikes and 1 road bike. This one is another one for Branson and his new adventures in BMX racing. He should have a lot of fun and who knows I might have to buy myself a BMX bike and race also. A tandem bike would also be fun to ride if…

Caffeine Injected and Sleep Deprived

My thoughts are just racing through my head today. They are covering various topics and ideas. It is hard for me to focus on one particular topic. I have so many projects that I want to work on and don’t know where to begin on them. I have web sites I want to create to give people accurate information on how and where to do extreme adventure sports in Arkansas and another one to give people information on the local scene of Little Rock. I want to create, paint and start my photography again. I have articles I want to write and places I want to visit. Right now my life is just so astonishing. I have had some interesting people to come in to my life as of late and one of such incredible beauty and softness that I can not stop thinking of kissing her full and tender lips. My thoughts are moving more rapidly then I can type. I am sure this is going to be incoherent babble. I am just tired from the lack of sleep due to an astonishing night/morning and hope I can relive last night over and over again.

Good Days Ahead

One more day until the weekend and I am very much looking forward to it. It is suppose to be another beautiful one. Hopefully that will mean that I spend a lot of time on my bike, jogging, on the porch drinking coffee and on the deck of Sufficient Grounds having dinner and drinking wine, not to mention a couple games of Frisbee.

The last couple of days have been fairly laid back. I have ridden my bike and hung out with Michelle. Honestly I can not imagine a better way to spend my evenings unless you include Branson.

Last night was my first night of riding Camp Robinson and let me tell you it was a blast. The first Wednesday of each month CARP has a cook out after the ride. It was a good chance to meet and talk to other mountain bikers. I am so glad I rode with this Wednesday group, I learned some valuable lessons. First was that these guys (and gals) are fearless and fast. I am breaking through some of the obstacles and they are peddling through them. There were boulder fields that would rattle your fillings loose and these people would not even slow down. If you crash in one of these fields you would break a bone, it was that rough. It was so much fun though. I also learned that I am not quite ready to start racing like I wanted. After a couple more weeks of intensive training with the Tuesday night group and the Wednesday group I should be ready for the second half of the racing season.

I am looking forward to tonight. It is shop n sip in Hillcrest (the best neighborhood in Little Rock).

Perspective

What a beautiful morning, the crisp morning air, the birds chirping and the roses in full bloom. Mornings like these are easily missed due to the hectic pace most people keep in the A.M. We have also had such a wonderful spring this year and days like this just get taken for granted. This spring, the weather has seemed to be perfect and the roses are the prettiest I can remember in years. People are out in droves everywhere walking, biking and jogging. This past Sunday, Murry Park was packed with people playing volleyball, soccer, and cooking out. It seems that more people are enjoying this spring then in the years past.

Are more people really out this spring or is it just that my life has slowed down to the point that I notice the people and the flowers. Have I always been one of those people with the hectic A.M. schedule? Could it be that I am happier now in my life then I have been in a long time and that is just spilling over into how I view the world now?

I think it just boils down to perspective. I could choose to work long days in order to get that next promotion. I could stress about getting into better shape for the summer or that the neighbor’s yard is prettier then mine. I could spend my free time in the house watching TV. There are a number of things that could make me think that this is just any old spring in Arkansas. This year however, I choose to stop and smell the flowers, take walks down Kavanugh, drink coffee on the porch and have dinner on the deck. This spring, I am enjoying it. I am not going to let another one slip by. You only have a limited number of springs in your life time so use them wisely.

On a different note, I had a wonderful evening. Surprisingly Michelle had the night off and we spent it together, singing, cruising, talking, laughing, and watching a movie. We spent nearly 8 hours together yesterday after work. I stayed up way past my bed time and I am feeling it today but I would not have changed last night for anything. Like this spring…it was wonderful.

What a wonderful weekend

It is Monday and I am back at work. I so don’t want to be here. I want to have time to rest and recover from the weekend. This weekend was once again just great. We have had the best weekend weather for the past several weekends now. What a wonderful spring we have had.

This weekend it started on the lazy side. I picked my son up Friday after work. We went home and dropped everything off and went to visit Michelle. While there, we played with the Ferrets for a little bit before leaving to go get a pizza. After dinner we went to Barnes and Nobel for a little while. That was the extent of evening since Saturday we had a long day ahead of us.

Saturday Branson had his last soccer game for the summer, we visited his godfather for a little bit, we went looking at BMX bikes since Branson wants to race this summer, we met up with Michelle and played Frisbee and went bowling, went to dinner, then back to Barnes and finally went home to turn in for the evening.

Sunday was a little more laid back. I got up and cooked breakfast and watched a DVD. After that was done we went bike riding along the NLR River Trial. We stopped and watched the model planes being flown and watched the BMX racing for about an hour. Unfortunately, after all of that I had to take Branson home. The evening ended well. I meet up with Michelle again and we hung out and went for a little drive. She is a pretty special woman, fun, funny and good looking.

Sunday nights, after taking Branson home, are so hard. It just so silent without him there and after seeing and hearing him all weekend it makes Sunday night very lonely.

On another note, a good friend of mine, Emily, ran in the Nashville Marathon on Saturday to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon. I have not talked to her yet but checking the results of the race on the net, it looks like she just missed qualifying by 1 minute and 13 seconds. She is going to be heart broken, to have run for hours and then to miss the qualifying time by 73 seconds.